Update: Our Journey to Baby #2 (Part Five)

After my successful uterine septum resection surgery in November, I have had a period and we are currently in our first cycle of trying to conceive baby #2! I’m pretty sure I even ovulated all on my own like a big girl! We are obviously super excited but I’m going to be honest, I’ve had a few freak-out moments! Mostly, I’m worried that I won’t love my second child as much as I love James. I know this sounds silly, but after almost 2 years trying to conceive, a miscarriage, a complicated pregnancy and a scary premature birth, James is our little miracle who we thought we might never meet. I almost feel greedy for wanting to add another little babe to the mix. I never want to forget or take for granted just how blessed we are to have a healthy, happy boy. When we first got married, I was adamant I wanted three children. Now, I would be content with just one. Because that one child is so loved (and for us, making babies is bloody hard work!)

But then I remember how much I love having older brothers. I watch the memories James is making with his cousins and the fun they have. I comfort an unwell and scared toddler at work and bring a smile to their face. I snuggle my best friends newborn baby. And I realise my heart (and my ovaries) are craving another baby more than I care to admit. Maybe I’m just scared and trying to protect myself. And that’s when I freak out for a totally different reason. What if we have trouble conceiving all over again? What if we miscarry? Am I emotionally strong enough to do it all again, to want something so bad that it breaks me apart when it doesn’t go as planned?

But thankfully, I have you guys. I have my husband, my family and my friends. I have my writing. And at the end of the day, I don’t want ‘what if’s’ to dictate or influence my decisions. So much of our destiny is uncertain, so I’m willing to take the risk – to face hurt, disappointment, fear, let down – in order to have even a moment of happiness or to say ‘at least we tried’. So now, my biggest wish for 2018, is to see those two lines and to be brave with whatever follows. Either way, I feel so lucky that you guys have my back. I promised to keep you updated and I know my blogs are reaching people who need it, but mostly, they are keeping me sane! So thankyou for listening to my crazy thoughts and never judging me (at least not out loud!)

Fingers crossed! 🤞

 

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