Yesterday I woke up before the sun to get ready for my hysteroscopy +/- laparoscopy to finally get some answers on my uterus. At this stage I wasn’t feeling nervous, I was even joking with Scott about how this might be the last time he saw me (dramatic much?) My Mum had taken James the night before, and mostly we missed waking up to him. So we stood in the bathroom watching videos of him giggling before Scott went to work. I packed a hospital bag but was adamant I would be breaking out that night. My heart would literally break into pieces if I didn’t see James all day, and then they’d have to do another operation to stick that back together. So yes, I was coming home that day.
Scott and I have recently been deliberating over whether we would once again share our journey to pregnancy (and beyond) through my blog. I knew I would be writing it all down like last time as a way of coping with my emotions and processing what we are going through (and to save Scott from my emotional outbursts every 5 minutes), but I was unsure if I would share it immediately considering the likelihood that something might go wrong. But last week I received a message from a Mum who has been following our journey since I shared my first ever blog about infertility. She said my posts were inspirational during their struggle to conceive, and she has coincidentally just found me again through Miracle Mumma after having her twins prematurely. Suddenly, all of our reservations disappeared - this was the confirmation we needed to share every step of our journey forward with you all…be prepared for a ‘hot mess’ overshare of everything from timed intercourse to vaginal mucous. As I always say…if our story reaches just one person who is going through something similar and is up at night googling for hope, it is all worth it.
An amazing friend of mine opened up and wrote down his emotional story after his wife experienced an ectopic pregnancy. He passed it onto me and (after some minor editing) I’m extremely proud to share it with you all now. We often forget to consider how men experience this heartbreaking journey, and generally they put their feelings aside and struggle to hold it together for their partner. Please remember: Dad’s grieve too. Let’s encourage men to speak out, or at least let them know it’s ok to fall apart.
For two years my life was consumed by ovulation tracking, mucous monitoring, blood tests, ultrasounds, hormones and planned intercourse. I had no control over the final outcome, yet it was controlling every aspect of my life. Eventually, I became unrecognisable … a scared, broken version of my former self. I withdrew from the people who loved me most, and I felt anger towards people I had never met. But I disliked myself the most.
When James was born, the ever-famous Dr Rad was doing his ever-amazing job by asking me about my plans regarding our next pregnancy. At the time, I snorted at him…literally – it got the same response as when I was asked about birth control while James was still in hospital! I mean c’mon mate, the only thing stimulating my nipples right now is an expressing kit! Anyway…I digress. So Dr Rad was keen to know sooner rather than later if James was going to be a big brother, and for good reason (which I can appreciate now). I eventually answered with apprehension that we had initially planned to have another baby down the track, but at this stage we simply felt blessed to have our one healthy miracle staring back at us from inside his humidicrib. I couldn’t even think about the possibility of another baby after the emotional turmoil we had endured. It had taken absolutely everything to finally get our little guy and he had changed my perspective on absolutely everything! I went from wanting and needing three babies, to being utterly content with just him. That previous greed seemed absolutely ridiculous. Of course, all Dr Rad took from that was ‘we had initially planned to have another baby down the track’ (bless his cotton, checkered socks!) – he referred me to a reputable maternal fetal medicine doctor for pre-pregnancy planning ‘just in case’.
I was slightly taken aback when she asked me the golden question ‘how did you cope with being pregnant after your miscarriage?’ On the drive home I realised this wasn’t the first time I had been asked this question – it seems to be a common fear which is triggering overwhelming anxiety and even preventing women from being excited when they finally conceive their little miracle. I hope this blog will help those in a similar situation to ‘cope’ and maybe even allow a slither of excitement for the amazing adventure which lies ahead.
I am writing this blog to share our experience of making a little human. Please remember this is OUR journey and in no way can be compared with anyone else, but I hope that it may comfort the heartache of just one person who is struggling through infertility, and help them find some peace...
Yesterday I woke up before the sun to get ready for my hysteroscopy +/- laparoscopy to finally get some answers on my uterus. At this stage I wasn’t feeling nervous, I was even joking with Scott about how this might be the last time he saw me (dramatic much?) My Mum had taken James the night before, and mostly we missed waking up to him. So we stood in the bathroom watching videos of him giggling before Scott went to work. I packed a hospital bag but was adamant I would be breaking out that night. My heart would literally break into pieces if I didn’t see James all day, and then they’d have to do another operation to stick that back together. So yes, I was coming home that day.
Scott and I have recently been deliberating over whether we would once again share our journey to pregnancy (and beyond) through my blog. I knew I would be writing it all down like last time as a way of coping with my emotions and processing what we are going through (and to save Scott from my emotional outbursts every 5 minutes), but I was unsure if I would share it immediately considering the likelihood that something might go wrong. But last week I received a message from a Mum who has been following our journey since I shared my first ever blog about infertility. She said my posts were inspirational during their struggle to conceive, and she has coincidentally just found me again through Miracle Mumma after having her twins prematurely. Suddenly, all of our reservations disappeared - this was the confirmation we needed to share every step of our journey forward with you all…be prepared for a ‘hot mess’ overshare of everything from timed intercourse to vaginal mucous. As I always say…if our story reaches just one person who is going through something similar and is up at night googling for hope, it is all worth it.
An amazing friend of mine opened up and wrote down his emotional story after his wife experienced an ectopic pregnancy. He passed it onto me and (after some minor editing) I’m extremely proud to share it with you all now. We often forget to consider how men experience this heartbreaking journey, and generally they put their feelings aside and struggle to hold it together for their partner. Please remember: Dad’s grieve too. Let’s encourage men to speak out, or at least let them know it’s ok to fall apart.
For two years my life was consumed by ovulation tracking, mucous monitoring, blood tests, ultrasounds, hormones and planned intercourse.
When James was born, the ever-famous Dr Rad was doing his ever-amazing job by asking me about my plans regarding our next pregnancy. At the time, I snorted at him…literally – it got the same response as when I was asked about birth control while James was still in hospital! I mean c’mon mate, the only thing stimulating my nipples right now is an expressing kit! Anyway…I digress. So Dr Rad was keen to know sooner rather than later if James was going to be a big brother, and for good reason (which I can appreciate now). I eventually answered with apprehension that we had initially planned to have another baby down the track, but at this stage we simply felt blessed to have our one healthy miracle staring back at us from inside his humidicrib. I couldn’t even think about the possibility of another baby after the emotional turmoil we had endured. It had taken absolutely everything to finally get our little guy and he had changed my perspective on absolutely everything! I went from wanting and needing three babies, to being utterly content with just him. That previous greed seemed absolutely ridiculous. Of course, all Dr Rad took from that was ‘we had initially planned to have another baby down the track’ (bless his cotton, checkered socks!) – he referred me to a reputable maternal fetal medicine doctor for pre-pregnancy planning ‘just in case’.
I was slightly taken aback when she asked me the golden question ‘how did you cope with being pregnant after your miscarriage?’ On the drive home I realised this wasn’t the first time I had been asked this question – it seems to be a common fear which is triggering overwhelming anxiety and even preventing women from being excited when they finally conceive their little miracle. I hope this blog will help those in a similar situation to ‘cope’ and maybe even allow a slither of excitement for the amazing adventure which lies ahead.
I am writing this blog to share our experience of making a little human. Please remember this is OUR journey and in no way can be compared with anyone else, but I hope that it may comfort the heartache of just one person who is struggling through infertility, and help them find some peace...
